Despite all of the improvements I've made other the last few years in regards to my abilities and my own confidence in said abilities, one area that I continue to struggle in is endevours that involve other people and my place in relationships with other people.
As I've mentioned in the past, I grew up with a condition called selective mutism. Because of this I struggled to make friends (probably an understatement) but what I desperately wanted more than anything was to have a small group that I fit in with. It all started when I first moved up to secondary school and I began my "emo phase". I tried so hard to fit in with the other alternative kids and although they often tolerated me I still felt awkward and uncomfortable, and like I was the one person in the group that didn't really belong there.
After my emo phase I went into my "weeb phase". Much the same thing happened except at the time there weren't really any other anime fans at my school so I began to seek out cosplay meet-ups and anime conventions. I'd often go home from these events feeling deflated because I'd see others making friends and socializing around me while I just kind of awkwardly hung around.
This wasn't for lack of trying. It seemed like a lose-lose situation; if I didn't try and talk to people I'd feel left out and then if I did I'd still feel left out because I struggled so much with speech and often couldn't keep up with the fast-paced conversations and social cues that other people just seemed to understand naturally.
This cycle went on for years with several different kinds of groups. VOCALOID fans, my brief involvement in the Homestuck fandom, the odottemita/Jpop dance community; you name it.
Somewhere along the line though, I just stopped trying. I stopped going to any purely social events, only really going to events if there was something specific I was there to do like performing. I decided I wasn't going to try and make friends anymore (but if people did speak to me then I would be polite and talk to them, of course) and I wouldn't be sad if people were socializing and I wasn't included because that's just the way it was going to be with my difficulties.
It sounds like giving up but really I think it's more being aware of and accepting my limits. In most situations, this shift in my way of thinking has worked for me and has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders. I don't go into events with particular expectations or put any pressure on myself, I just go and do what I came to do without worrying about what other people are doing or thinking. It's allowed me to do a lot of things I would have been way too scared to do as a teenager or a child because I was afraid of being left out while everyone else made friends, such as the cheerleading classes I now attend for example. In these classes, I can just focus on perfecting my own skills without having to think about what other people are doing. Cheerleading is a team sport so it does involve some interaction with teammates but I find this kind of focused communcation much easier than casual chit-chat because there's a specific direction and purpose to it.
Despite all this, there are still times when the old way of thinking creeps in. This almost always happens when I start to compare myself to other people in a group setting. If I can't get the hang of something that everybody else seems to be doing with ease, I get critical of myself. I start to think that I'm abnormal in some way and that I'm never going to be able to catch up to everyone else. This probably has a lot to do with growing up with undiagnosed autism. I learnt pretty early on in life that I was "different" and that also apparently meant "less than". I couldn't do all of the things that the "normal" kids could so there was no point in even trying and I just kind of accepted my role as the weird girl who couldn't do anything noteworthy or useful.
As an adult, this has translated into almost an obsession with productivity. I always have to be doing something and have to be doing it well, I'm not allowed to be bad at things especially in front of other people. Since, in group settings I can't really offer anything socially, I make up for it by being good at something practical. If there isn't anything I'm good at however, then I'm not offering anything to the group so I don't deserve to be there. In other words, the standards I set for myself are often way too high and I find it difficult to allow myself to be a beginner at something.
I just need to remember that things aren't black and white. Just because I'm not good at something now doesn't mean I'll never be good at it. And why do I even need to be good at something in the first place? We're allowed to do things just because, it doesn't have to be productive. I don't need to 'earn' my place in a group either. Everybody's different and everybody's learning. Our worth isn't determined by how good we are at something or how we compare to other people.
Did or do you still struggle with social interaction? Do you have similar issues to me and how do you cope with them? Let me know in the comments!
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