This isn't my first blog and will it be my last? Who knows?
So here's a story I'm almost tired of telling at this point; I have autism. A common 'symptom' of autism is what's known as special interests. What are special interests then? Special interests are a particular topic, thing, person etc. that a person with autism will develop a fixation with, often causing them to neglect other interests or even necessities in favor of this one thing that seems to demand all of their attention. Special interests aren't always a bad thing. The image of autism that's often painted in media afterall is of the autistic person who may have poor social skills or be lacking in other areas but their almost 'obsessive' interest in a particular subject has led them to become an expert at it, allowing them to achieve great success.
For a lot of autistic people though, this can be far from the truth. What happens when your special interest is something other people don't see as being valuable or even find it annoying, such as an unpopular TV show that they won't stop talking about, instead of something more 'productive' like learning to play an instrument? What happens if your special interest isn't just one thing that stays with you for most of your life, but instead you constantly change like a chameleon, in an endless cycle of loving something deeply and then having little to no interest in it whatsoever? This is something I've struggled with for most of my life.
When I was 19, I thought I'd finally got a handle on it. I learnt (or so I thought) to balance my many interests and be able to like more than one thing at once without one completing dominating my whole life. I might have had periods where I would lose motivation or be more interested in one thing over the other but that was okay and I was allowed to leave things on the 'backburner' for a while as I pursued other interests.
Then late last year it was like somebody flipped a switch. I just suddenly had no motivation and interest in any of things I used to love and nothing new came to replace them either. Something like this hadn't happened - at least not to this extreme - in years and I felt terrible. There's always this kind of feeling of guilt as well, as if I've failed by not being able to stick to something for what I considered to be a decent period of time. Honestly, shout out of my family for putting up with me sitting on my Switch, playing Splatoon 2 all day while looking miserable and growling at anyone who tried to talk to me.
Started also when I was about 19, I used to write a blog called Dansei Idol Girl. It was about my then-special interest, Japanese male idol groups. Looking at that blog now I feel some pride for how long I stuck at it but also a little sad as these groups were (and still are) so dear to my heart yet I don't really have the 'steam' to keep going with it. Before DIG I'd tried to start many other blogs on numerous other topics which have all since been abandoned.
One thing that has stayed consistent about me for pretty much all of my life though, is my love of writing. Though my motivation levels and ideas about what kind of things I'd like to write are all over the place, I still find it much easier to express myself through the written word and its something I find rewarding and enjoyable (most of the time).
So, backtracking to my autism. On top of autism, I also suffered for most of my childhood and teenage years with anxiety, and more specifically an anxiety disorder called selective mutism. The selective mutism part basically means that I was unable to speak in most situations (I only really spoke to close family members and when I was at home). As well as that I was just generally anxious about everything under the sun and had a very low opinion of myself and my abilities.
You can imagine then, that because of this there were a lot of things I missed out on as a kid. I didn't really have friends and if there was something new and exciting I wanted to try my anxiety was very good at talking me out of it. "You're not normal, you're not as good as everybody else. You won't be able to do that," or, "While everybody else is socialising and having a good time you'll just be standing there by yourself awkwardly so there's no point," etc.
Now aged 24, my anxiety is far from gone but I'm much better at telling it to shut up and doing things anyway just to prove it wrong. I'm probably a bit too adventurous for my own good, there are so many new things I want to try that it's almost difficult to slow down sometimes.
So, that's where this blog comes in. Unlike my previous blogs, this one won't have a particular topic or update schedule. I'm just going to write about whatever's captured my interest, whenever I feel motivated. I don't know if this blog will have much of an audience, but if you want to join the journey of an autistic girl/woman/oversized baby as she tries to redo her childhood with less trauma and more positive energy and confidence (and a lot of stupid meme humour, probably) then feel free to stick around!
Current topics I would like to talk about in the future include:
- Cheerleading (I just recently joined an allstar cheerleading team! Something I was too terrified to do as a secondary school kid)
- Other athletic activities (cycling, roller-blading, ice-skating, and swimming)
- Game development
- Writing and publishing my first novel
- Learning and making music
- Spirituality (New Age topics, Tarot etc.)
- Japanese pop culture (Anime, games, music, dance, cosplay etc.)
- Cartoons
- Books and comics
- Musicals
- Studying Japanese at university
- Alternative fashion
With that, I'll end this introduction. It was a bit long but you get the gist and if you're interested, you'll begin to learn more about me and my many interests as I continue to update this blog. I'll end this post with a quote from a book I'm currently reading which partially influenced my decision to start this blog.
"Give yourself permission to be bad at something long enough to find out if you want to spend time getting good at it."
From 'Find Your F*ckyeah' by Alexis Rockley
Thanks for reading and I hope to see you next time!
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